H is for Hero

I struggled with H as well.  I don't use the word hero because I feel it applies to me but because it is a word people have used to describe me and I want to explore that impression.

There are obvious people that are selected for the word hero and they appear immediately in your mind.  You think of the police officer that is helping the child find his/her parent.  You think of the soldier risking his life for others whether he knows them or not.  You think of the firefighter carrying the unconscious grandmother out of a burning house.

There are other less obvious heros that you may be thinking of.  You may think of Mahatma Ghandi whose non violent protest finally brought about the equality for all people of South Africa.  You may think of Dr. Martin Luther Jr. who was taken way to young as he fought for equal rights for all here in the United States.  You may think of Rosa Parks who refused to give up her seat.  You may think of Susan B. Anthony who simply felt that the right to vote should be given to all people, not just men.

Several people have used the word hero to describe me and it, frankly, embarrasses and scares me.  I look at the people above and they achieve so much at such risk to themselves.  I survive and deal with my disease but there is no risk involved.  I don't disagree that I try to stand tall in spite of my prognosis and the humiliations that are imposed upon me by my disease but I do these things at no risk to myself.

It scares me for many reasons.  The biggest reason is my lack of understanding of why people give me this label.  Not knowing the reasons means that I could so easily disappoint others.  I worry that my actions or lack of action are going to make people see the true 'me' and see me as a failure.  I am scared because I feel people are wrong.  I tolerate.  I survive.  I don't believe that I do anything that is heroic in any way.

Go ahead and call me a hero if you feel it fits but know this; I will disappoint you;  I will fail;  I will do things that are very non-heroic;  I will behave in ways that heros never behave and I will collapse under the weight of all that is happening;  I will need others to bear me up and even carry me when things are too difficult.  I will try to always stand tall under the experience but I will fail at that as well.