My ABCs of Cancer: A is for anxiety

Madhulika Sikka wrote a book on the ABCs of breast cancer.  Stephanie has encouraged me to write my own ABCs of cancer.  If nothing else, it gives me topics for quite a while if I am able to keep up the writing.

So, let's start off with 'A is for Anxiety'.  Having or having had cancer puts one in a continual state of anxiety and your life is never the same again.  You are continually ruled by the latest lab reports, scans, or blood tests.  Your life comes to a complete halt in those days before the test and in the days afterwards as you wait for the results.

I have several friends who have been diagnosed with prostate cancer and their big test is the PSA test.  Men begin getting this test later in life and it almost always comes back normal (less than 4) but for all too many people, it crosses that magic line and their life with cancer begins.  The funny thing about these tests is that they are not precise.  Someone can have a PSA of 3.5 and be in full blown metestatic disease while someone else has a PSA of 6 with only the early stages of cancer.  You just never know.

Of course, that is where the major anxiety kicks in.  You have the cancer removed by some means and then you watch the PSA level and it hopefully begins to drop.  You get more and more confidence as that number continues to drop but your stress level goes through the roof when the time for your next blood test comes around.

My cancer has an extra annoyance that comes with it.  One of the standard markers is the Chromogranin-a and there is not a consensus amongst labs about how to perform it.  Some labs have a 'good' range of 0-35 with their marker while other labs have 0-5.  Furthermore, this blood test is thrown off by commonly used protein pump inhibitors (Nexium, Protonix, Prevacid) that are prescribed for acid reflux and similar disorders.


Other markers are becoming available for me that are less variable and reduce the anxiety some but it is never gone.  Even for those friends who have dealt with their cancers and reached the magic 5 year mark, you never know for sure.  Another friend passed her 4 year mark in the clear but then the 5 year test showed that she is not through the storm.  That is Anxiety with a capitol A.

I know everyone worries about mortal illnesses from time to time but when you have or have had cancer, this worry coms with extra intensity.  You almost become a hypochondriac.  Every twinge, headache, cramp, upset stomach, or cold makes you worry that the cancer is attacking with a vengeance.  It takes days to get a couple of days off of the cancer rollercoaster just to get back in line for the next ride.

I have been on that ride for 12.5 years now and it seems to never stop.  The good thing about it is that as long as I am on the ride, I am alive and able to enjoy the view some.  There is a thrill to the minor successes when you get off the ride for a while and get to wander around the amusement park, taking in the sunshine and the smells.  Something about surviving that last ride can make everything else just a little bit brighter.