T is for Terrified

Terrified comes courtesy of my wife as I could not think of what to do for T.  Terrified fits the bill and fits the sequence.

I normally don't get scared much about procedures, surgeries, the future or my situation.  That said, I get caught up in the occasional panic about any of the above.  I have fairly routine minor surgeries quite frequently now with the repeated stent swaps.  We seem to have minor surgery fairly well under control and the use of Propofol for these short procedures seems to avoid carcinoid crisis.  I know surgery is always risky but we have a handle on how to manage my complications.

I still get a bit anxious prior to these procedures at times.  Often times, it is when the nurses are putting in my IV that I start to panic some and I need my wife at my side to support me and reassure me.  The panic usually passes quickly but I get caught up in just not wanting to go through these procedures again.

Octreoscans are fairly routine as well.  I lay on a table for a one hour stretch for one scan and then another 40 minutes for the second scan.  Usually this is very relaxing and I often fall asleep during the scans and need to make sure I don't flinch too much when I wake up, distorting the scan.

Last year, I had a stretch where my shoulder started acting up again and laying on that hard table would make my shoulder hurt painfully and would make it hard to lay still.  Percocet can make the pain go away but, again, I need to rely on the company of my wife to get me through these stretches.

A few months ago, terror hit a new high note when my lung started causing problems.  I get scared about how long I have left with my family and begin to focus on all the things that I will miss.  This stretch of terror lasted for a few weeks which is highly unusual for me (usually, I get over it in a couple of days) and I think it is because the lungs were new territory for my cancer.  Again, Stephanie made things better and helped me come back down, comforting me when things really started getting crazy.

On a side note, we are kind of putting the lungs on the back burner for now and just monitoring them.  They are not likely to be the reason I eventually succumb to this disease but they are certainly going to interfere with my life.  We saw my oncologist this past Friday and he said that with moderate to severe anemia, stage 4 kidney disease, partially collapsed lung, pleural effusion on the right lung, and liver involvement, he cannot recommend any more extreme skiing.  I am still going to try to do all I can and I will be taking my time but I will be skiing double diamonds this year, just no more hike to terrain anymore.

I try not to let the terror overwhelm me but it sometimes does.  Others help bring my terror level down, particularly my beautiful wife.  The kids help although I try not to let them see me when I am at my most scared points.  River can be so kind and Riley and Forrest are great at just sitting with me or lightly rubbing my back.

Terror can help drive us to act but we cant let it take over our lives.  We need to use it to help us move forward and ensure that it does not hold us back.  Life is good and I need to keep that in mind.  It has now been over 13 years since my first critical symptoms of this disease started appearing and I need to enjoy all that I still have in front of me.