Back home again and I am not fine.

Home from New Orleans and I am not doing so well.  I weigh in at about 190 pounds right now and that is about 45 pounds of fluid buildup from all the IVs that were running in me last week.  The procedures were supposed to be easy with my returning to work right after return but the days in the ICU have made that impossible.

I feel as if I am right back where I was in June after that marathon surgery.  My legs are incredibly weak, my body is swollen, and I am fatigued beyond understanding.  I am not fine and I feel like the mountains just keep growing in front of me.  Stephanie saw someone else's blog post and it fits the way I feel right now.

I have trouble telling people how I really feel.  People ask me in the hallway at work how I am doing and it is difficult to know how much to reveal.  I do let some people know but it is hard not to say 'fine' when I am asked.  Do they really want to hear the real answers?  Do they really want to plumb the depth of things that I am dealing with?  I know people care but it is hard to get away from 'fine'.

I have the new perc tube with the associated drainage bag.  I need to log the output of the tube so that the doctors can evaluate the improvement (or lack thereof) of my right kidney.  I can't wear shoes due to the swelling of my feet and I can't wear regular pants because of the swelling in my abdomen and legs.

Recovery is not what it used to be for me.  I was fortunate in previous surgeries with the ability to bounce back and recover quickly and fully.  These last few incidents have been far from bouncing back.  These recoveries are crawling back and giving thanks for every inch that I regain of the miles that I have lost.

I have given up on playing hockey for the foreseeable future.  My duties as goalie have been taken over by another goalie because I simply am not physically able and don't see that changing.  I almost cannot get to my feet from a kneeling position in normal clothing, let alone the 40 pounds of goalie gear that I would wear.

I haven't given up on skiing yet.  I think a 6 run day now would be right at the limit of my capabilities.  I don't know how much skiing we will get to do this year but blue groomers are going to be my run of choice for the near future.

So, I am not fine but I am trying to get there.  If you ask me how I am doing, I may say fine but understand that there is a huge range of territory covered by 'fine'.