No matter how strong a person is, depression will set in at some point in time. The first 10 years of my disease, I was able to avoid any sort of significant depression. Other than the occasional major surgery, the monthly shots, carcinoid syndrome, diarrhea, and other symptoms, I lived a pretty normal life. I knew I had cancer and that it had a good chance of getting me at some point but this did not affect my day to day living and depression never really entered into my life.
This changed in 2012 when I hit a major bowel obstruction and went on TPN for a couple of months prior to the first of two surgeries, one of which was several days. I had procedures to address stents in my biliary duct and had two major carcinoid crisis that put me within inches of death. I lost 50 pounds, looked like death warmed over and still haven't been able to return to a more normal weight. The colostomy from my second major surgery has played hell with my body image although I am starting to get used to it two years later.
The tumors impinged on my ureters and that has caused my kidneys to begin to fail. Their slow decline will be leading to my going on dialysis in the near future and this is yet another hit on body image and on my general life and outlook.
All of these things have led to occasional bouts of depression that have lasted for mere hours to as long as a week. Sometimes, I just get overwhelmed with everything that has happened to me and everything that I know is going to happen. I get overwhelmed by the thoughts of things I will miss out on because the cancer is going to eventually get me. I get overwhelmed by the pressure to be strong and to keep a smiling face.
I hear from so many that they are proud of the way I have handled the disease and how strong I am in the face of the future but sometimes I just need to be weak. For those times, I am extremely thankful for my wife who lets me lean on her when I am weak, who lets me cry as she holds me and comforts me when the thoughts get to be too much, who I know will always be there for me. Being strong is an outward face that most everyone else sees and Stephanie helps me stay strong by giving me a safe place to be weak..
This disease will kill me and of that I have no doubt. I am many years past the point of a medicine finding a miracle cure and have to learn to incorporate that knowledge in my life. Depression will come again. Depression will come close to overwhelming me and my thoughts again. Depression is just another of the battles that I face in my dealing with this disease.
Of course, I am not the only one that gets depressed. Stephanie has a hard time thinking of the things I will miss, the things I can't do, and how all our vacations seem to be to New Orleans for my treatment. My kids never admit to it but I am sure that they have the same bouts of depression that I have but their bouts are on a different level.
Nor is depression unique to me and my disease. I am sure all with chronic or to be fatal diseases have the same issues that I do. Know that they are struggling the same way that I am with the public face of strength and their private battles with what is inevitable. Life goes on whether or not we want it to and the fact of or lack of a disease is nothing that affects the ticking of the clock. Be willing to be there for your friends. Know that they have struggles with happiness and be willing to stand there for them when they do lose control of that public persona.
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