A – Anger – I struggled with this one. I didn’t want to
start this out on such a negative note. I skipped “A” and worked on some other
letters, but I always came back to anger when I thought about “A”. Yes, I know
how futile anger is and I know it is a little self-destructive and very
irrational. But, I admit it -- I get angry and I am ashamed (another “A”) that
sometimes I lash out in my anger. If you have happened to be on the receiving
end of that, I apologize (the “A”s runneth over!). It is not all consuming and it is not always
present, but I have to work at it and be conscious of not letting the anger
take over and the bitterness overwhelm. I have recently told that anger is
caused by fear and hurt. Am I afraid? (another “A”) Hell yes I am afraid. I am
afraid that I am not going to be strong enough, that I am going to fail Ron or
the kids. I am afraid that Ron is going to suffer. I am afraid of living a life
without Ron, he is such a huge part of who I am and how do I go on living without
that? Am I hurt? Hell yeah. Nothing hurts as much as watching Ron go through
this and not being able to make it better. It hurts to watch him hurt. I am
hurt that we have missed a lot of things because we were gone to NOLA. I hurt
when my kids are hurt. I am hurt that our future is being taken away. I AM
afraid and I AM hurt and yes, that does make me angry.
B – Bridges – After Ron’s epic marathon of surgeries in
May/June of 2012, I bombarded Dr. Boudreaux with questions and what ifs. He
very calmly told me that we had to concentrate on today and today’s crisis or
concern and we will cross whatever bridge we have to in the future.
Unfortunately, this was a message he had to repeat to me on several occasions
because I proved to be a slow learner. I am just now starting to learn the
concept. During that time of epic surgeries and recoveries, I would never have
imagined that we would be concerned with end-stage kidney failure. There are so
many things that could happen, I CAN’T worry about them all and as much as I
would LIKE to plan for all contingencies, I can’t. So I am learning to cross
the bridges as they present themselves to me and to Ron.
C – CANCER – this is the big one. The obvious one. The
crushing one. It is the pink elephant that is always in the room. Hell, it is
the entire zoo in the room. Cancer is ALWAYS there; like another member of our
family. The obnoxious, overbearing, all-consuming cousin that comes and won’t
leave and disrupts your entire life and family.
I have tried my hardest to give our family some normality (which isn’t
easy in our family!). I know how Ron tries to be the normal guy and not “Cancer
Man” (that’s our creation that he and I joke about – how we cope with people
giving him the look and/or how I get the “so how is Ron?” question – both
always accompanied with the little head tilt and the look of pity in the eyes).
I am proud to say that I could count on one hand the number of times we have
had to play the “cancer card” (probably all by me). That is not to say I have not
been tempted or that I may not in the future – but for right now --- normality
is the goal for daily life.
D – Dignity -- this is representative of my upmost respect
for Ron. He struggles with maintaining even the smallest amount of dignity. If
we women who have gone through childbirth thought the whole process wiped away
our dignity, we can’t even hold the candle to what Ron has had to endure. I
know Ron and I know how he feels. I often witness his own perceived humiliation
– now understand I don’t agree with those feelings or the stuff that concerns
him, none of it fazes me or most of the people around us – but that isn’t what
is important. It is what Ron thinks. Now knowing how personal a lot of his
issues are; he still speaks very openly with us all. I joke about his blogs or
comments being clinical or analytical --- but a lot of what he shares is very
personal and yet he doesn’t shy away from any of it. Kudos to you Ron for
showing us how to fight cancer and how you share with your support team with such
great dignity and honor. Some of the
other “D” words that came to mind were demolishing, demoralizing and dread. I
dread that moment when I get the phrase “there is nothing else we can do” and
then the subsequent phone calls I am going to have to make. I think demolishing
and demoralizing speak for themselves.
E – Energy – Ron and I both seem to suffer with a major lack
of energy or focus. Ron’s has a lot to do with physical issues. Mine, not so
sure. Some days I will be lucky to get anything accomplished. Thank goodness
for lists, without them I wouldn’t nothing would be getting done.
F – Family – what can I say about this. This topic has
caught me off guard and has caused me to become very emotional. (oh don’t worry
– I am sure that it is going to happen several more times during the
development of this list) I imagine you all know how important our kids are to
us. It destroys Ron, probably more than anything in this process, that his
cancer causes such chaos and will ultimately cause our children such pain. I am
so grateful that my kids have had the opportunity to know Ron. I wasn’t so sure
when he first got diagnosed – Riley was 4, River 3 and Forrest was 6 months
old, that they were going to get that chance. I could not do this without the
three of them; but, I worry about them so.
G – Gratitude – this is so huge. I can’t comprehend how long
so many people have been on this journey with us and how many people have
helped us along the way. We are so fortunate to have such great support. Little
things, big things. There is soooo much.
Thank you. Thank you all. That phrase doesn’t seem to hold enough meaning for
gratitude felt. I wish I could show how much I feel – I can only keep saying
“thank you”. Thank you.
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