G is for Goals

Of course, given it is world cup time, that should probably be:

GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!!

How do you have goals with a terminal disease?  The same way you have goals with the fact that you are going to die sometime, just with a shorter time line.  12.5 years ago, I thought I had a roughly 50/50 chance of making it to 10 and I set my goals appropriately.

I wanted my kids to know me and know what is important to me.  Riley was just 4, River was 3, and Forrest was 6 months.  Permanent memories begin to form around the age of 4 and that meant that I had to at least live 4 years for Forrest to know me.  I wanted him to know me as someone who did not stop just because I had been dealt a bitter pill.

People get dealt bitter pills all the time.  Rejection from someone you care for deeply;  Rejection from job applications;  Rejection at sports; Lack of recognition at work.  All of these things have happened to me and they hurt.  I wanted my kids to see someone who rose up in spite of hardship, who rises up in spite of getting knocked down.

I had a goal of seeing my kids into high school and have achieved that for all but Forrest.  He is just a year off and I don't have much worry about seeing him there and will cheer for him loudly when he competes in his first high school soccer game.  I have seen my daughter come out as a beautiful young woman and blow away everyone in her math class as well as to start swimming competitively this year.  My oldest, Riley, is going to be a Senior.  A SENIOR!  I will see him graduate in a year and head off to college to start training for his career in engineering.  I have seen him perform well in soccer, making varsity his first year and I will get to see him lead the varsity team this next year.

I have met my goals of seeing my wife reach levels that I never imagined.  I got to see her complete the Pikes Peak Ascent and earn a medal.  I saw her after completing her first marathon and the rode with her on her first metric century.  I have gotten to hike, kayak (once, don't like the water), ski, see her waterski for the first time and so much more.  My goals of seeing her grow into the person that she wants to be.

I have made my goal of trying out for ski patrol, missing the cutoff by 1.6 points at Winter Park (don't think I will ever be in that good of shape again).  I have completed the triple bypass which I will NEVER do again.  I have excelled at work and been able to perform at the level I want.  I have skied almost 40 days in a year and only have three more ski resorts remaining to ski in Colorado to bag them all.

What do I do now?  What do you do for goals at this point?  I don't think I have 10 years left in me.  My disease is advancing and we have used almost everything in the bag of tricks for my cancer.  Even if I were to wake up tomorrow with no cancer, my deteriorating kidneys do not bode well for a long life.

5 years?  I think that is possible.  I think my chances of another 5 years are probably in the 50/50 range now.  I don't have anything immediately wrong that can kill me but there are a large number of risks in my future.

• My every 6 month ureter swap could throw me into carcinoid crisis and I could die on the OR table.  Low probability here as we have a routine that seems to avoid invoking crisis
• Dialysis will be starting sometime, within the next 6 months to a year I imagine.  That carries a low risk of blood infections and other issues that could cause death at some point but they are also low probability
• Abdominal obstruction is always at the front of my mind.  I am 1.5 years out from the last laparotomy so that frees me from the concern of the surgery causing another obstruction but the tumors will continue to grow and there is a moderate probability of it forcing a laparotomy with all the risks of crisis along with major surgery
• My liver seems to be doing OK for now but those tumors also are growing and we may need to deal with them at some point through another procedure which carries some risk.
• The unknown.  I never expected to lose my kidneys and the unknown factor scares me.

So, what are my goals?

• I want to see all my kids graduate from high school.  Yes, that is right at 5 years but my goal is to see Forrest walk down the aisle, diploma in hand.
• I want to recover some of my strength and weight.  I am almost scarily skinny right now,  6'3", weighing in at 170 pounds and much of that weight might be fluid retention from my ailing kidneys.
• I want to be able to walk up 5 flights of stairs again without having to stop half way to rest.
• I want to walk the quarter mile into and from work every day without wishing I waited and took the bus.
• I want to ride again.  My legs are weak and there is no way I could do the academy loop at all, let alone in the 40 minutes it used to take me.  I want to ride the loop in under an hour without having to stop.
• I want to climb a 14er.  I have been to the top of two and rode my bike to the top of one but I have never hiked to the top of any.
• I want to ski outhouse without stopping again
• I want to have a shutout again.  They are rare as hen's teeth for me but I want another one. Achieved, 8/11/2014
• I want new adventures with my wife.  I want to see things we have never seen and go places we have only dreamed of.

Do I have other goals?  Maybe but these are the ones I see right now.  5 years seems like a long time but just achieving these will be some significant accomplishments for me.